Monday, September 13, 2010

Twisted Cinderella

The poem will happen, I promise! But for now, an assignment I had to do for English that I'm rather proud of.

"Twisted Cinderella"

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Ella. Her mother died when she was young, so her father married a widow. Shortly thereafter, her father died, leaving poor little Ella all alone with her cruel stepmother and stepsisters. They took away all of Ella’s nice things, banished her to the rat-infested basement, and forced her to do all the housework. They gave her a cruel nickname-Cinderella-from all the hours she spent cleaning the chimney. An invitation was sent from the palace inviting all in the town to a ball for the prince. The wicked stepfamily left Cinderella at home, but a fairy godmother appeared and sent her to the ball. Cinderella and the prince fell in love, but she departed at midnight, as the spell began to wear off, leaving only a delicate glass slipper and a brokenhearted prince behind. The prince made a kingdom-wide search to find the person who fit the slipper. Cinderella tried it on, and produced the other one from her pocket. She was suddenly in a shining gown, and she and the prince were soon married. Her wicked stepfamily begged for forgiveness, and Cinderella, who was a kind as she was beautiful, forgave them. And they lived happily ever after.

The End?

Um, no. Not only is this story sappy enough to make Hallmark lovers everywhere toss their heart-shaped cookies, it is positively filled with inaccuracies. Let’s go over a couple of the more glaring ones.

Myth 1: “Cinderella was treated horribly by her wicket stepfamily, but overcame adversity and married her true love!”

Hahahaha, no.

First off, neither me, my sister Drusilla, nor my mom Alexandra are wicked. We treated Cindy just fine. She had her own room/palace in the basement, she had a hotline to the chef who lived next door, and we even bought her a puppy. But does the ninny care? No. She ignore the puppy and talks to the rats, eats leftovers every night, isolates herself in her mansion of a room, and once she marries the prince, all she can talk about is her life of abuse and isolation. Give me a break. Actually, don’t. I’m not the sympathetic character in this story. That would be the prince.

Myth 2: “The prince married his true love! What do you mean, ‘sympathetic’?”

Well, I mean sympathetic. The poor guys didn’t even want to get married! He played golf 24/7, and was planning on abdicating the throne. His parents were nearly as self-centered as Cindy. The mall was less of a party and more of an “You’re legal, go get married!” And you thought fairy tales had good morals. At least one good thing happened to the prince. They didn’t release his name. If you thought Drusilla was bad, try Jejomar. At least he had four middle names to make up for it.

Myth 3: “What about the fairy godmother? She was amazing!”

This is the worst part of the story. It make little girls from 4-9 (and certain middle aged men) think that if you knelt and cried, you’d be bippidi-boppiti-bood into happiness. Well, come down from whatever fairy-dust induced high you’re on and listen. Yes, Cindy got help from her fairy godmother. And man, do I want one sometimes. But Godmother didn’t do our princess any favors. All she did is make Cindy feel like she never had to work and things would come together. That’s a great moral.

Myth 4: “Wait, Cinderella did all the housework! That’s why you called her Cinderella!”

Seriously, you have got to stop reading fairy tales. They’re turning your brain into mush. Little miss princess couldn’t tell the difference between a mop and a broom! She never did any housework, just stayed in her room eating leftovers that we would push under a flap in her door. Second, Cinderella is her given name. She was born with hair as black as soot. Get it? The girl must have gotten her brain from her parents.

Well, to wrap up, here is the real story of Cinderella. Enjoy!

Once upon a time, there was a spoiled brat named Cinderella. She was treated like a princess by her well-meaning but sadly stupid father. The father married a rich widow in order to keep money in his savings account, but died shortly after. His daughter became even more spoiled as her new family tried to comfort her until she refused to come out of her room. When an invitation came from the palace for a ball, Cinderella declined out of “exhaustion”. She waited until her family left, then snuck out of the house, hoping to catch a ride with the handsome son of the duke. She got tired walking so she sat a cried, and suddenly, a fairy godmother appeared and whisked her off to the ball. Cinderella enchanted the king and queen with her stunning beauty and even more stunningly small feet. Cinderella and the unwilling prince were to be married the next day, but Cinderella ran off, as the magic began to wear off, leaving a glass slipper behind. The unhappy prince arrived at her house, where Cinderella was magically beautiful again. They were married in a week, after which the prince resigned himself to one golf game a day. Cinderella published her memoirs (entitled “Rats, Slippers, and True Love”) and never bothered her stepfamily again.
And they all (well, the stepfamily at least) lived happily ever after.
The End.


  1. I like it!!! But you put "mall" instead of "ball" when you're talking about the prince. You better have gotten a good grade!

  2. I did! 95! I had a few typos...what you get for writing it at 6 am.